Crucian Chronicles

Unfunny Funnyman Clay Travis

With one bad "joke", some jackass guy named Clay Travis managed to insult and offend an  entire U.S. Territory.  Clay Travis is an attorney at the firm of Dudley, Topper, and Feuerzeig on the island of St. Thomas here in the Virgin Islands.  He writes "humorous" columns for Virgin Verve newsletter and also publishes columns online at DeadlyHippos.com.  He has flown under the radar with his columns until recently when he decided to write about a mock fictitious interview he had with native son Tim Duncan.  In one "fabricated" interview, Attorney Travis managed to refer to Virgin Islanders as illiterate, suggest Virgin Islands women as being the ugliest in the world, refer to the Virgin Islands as a third world country, and end by suggesting that Virgin Islanders don't know the meaning of the word "fabricate".  Then in subsequent radio interviews he explained that it was all done in jest and meant to be funny.

Attorney Travis has since pulled his online postings concerning his feelings about life in the Virgin Islands as well as his photos from DeadlyHippos.com.  Unfortunately for him, there are hard copies of his comments already being circulated in the Virgin Islands community.  Here is a direct quote of his fictitious interview with Tim Duncan:

Clay: Do you miss the friendly people of the Virgin Islands?

TD: People in the VI are the meanest, lyingest, ugliest, dumbest, and biggest cheaters in the entire world.  So no, I don't miss them at all.

It could have been funny maybe if it actually had a punchline.  Instead it was just insulting.  Then there was this one:

Clay:  What's the biggest difference between the Virgin Islands and stateside?

TD:  The women.  Stateside women don't usually have mustaches, whereas in the Virgin Islands most women have mustaches.  Also, Virgin Islands women are the ugliest women in the world.

Virgin Islanders are very sensitive about our image, so we cannot stand individuals in our midst talking sh*t about us to the world while smiling to our faces. This is why Clay Travis ought to lay real low before he has an angry encounter with one of those ugly, mustached Virgin Islands women.

Forgive, but never forget!

Rest In Peace Daddy

The Virgin Islands has lost a local legend.  Nicholas "Nick" Friday, better known to the Jam Band Massive by his stage name "Daddy Friday", passed away today in Roy Lester Schneider hospital from complications resulting from diabetes.  His death immediately sent shock waves throughout the Virgin Islands community and will undoubtedly result in weeks of mourning.  (St. Thomas isn't big enough to hold this funeral!)  Simply put, Friday was a musical genius whose popularity transcended generations.  But more than just a muician, he was a cultural icon.  He is as popular today in the Virgin Islands as he was 20 years ago.  He still does mek the young girls wuk up and the old ladies sing along!

As a Virgin Islander who went to college on the mainland, I can attest that nothing made us swell up more with V.I. pride than Jam Band in concert.  I saw them perform in Washington D.C. in 1996 and again in Miami in 2000 and they were every bit the musical ambassadors for the Virgin Islands.  Small island bands have always had difficulty competing for popularity with big island bands like Square One, Krosfyah, and Xtatic, but Jam Band always holds its own and represents for the V.I. Massive.  They just won the Soca Band Legend Award at the 3rd Annual Soca Awards ceremony in Trinidad this past Sunday.  Virgin Islanders are very hard to please but we have always supported Daddy Friday and the Awesome Jam Band to the fullest.  They commanded loyalty and we reciprocated.

The musical landscape is forever changed in the Virgin Islands.  Suddenly the big band for jouvert is a question mark.  Who else could have gotten Nu Vybes, Small Axe, and Byron Lee to try test on jouvert morning?  Who else could have led the 20 time Road March Kings of St. Thomas?  Who else could have made people do the Horse Chip or try to Kill the Rabbit?  Who else could have ordered Governor Farrelly to call off the curfew?

They say a prophet has no honor in his own land, but that was not the case with Daddy Friday.  His people loved him and he loved his people.

Rest peacefully Nicholas Friday.  May the love and admiration of your fans follow you wherever you may journey.

God Please Help New Orleans

Hurricane Hugo was bad for St. Croix and I remember the despair and desperation that followed in the aftermath.  Since then St. Croix has been through Hurricane Marilyn, Hurricane Georges, and Hurricane Lenny.  But what is occurring in New Orleans is far surpassing anything I have ever witnessed.

The people in Mississippi are going through the typical hurricane experience.  They have no electricity, no telephones, and they are facing incredible devastation.  That is what life is like immediately following a direct hit by a hurricane.  I know firsthand.

In New Orleans however, it is much, much worst.  Those people are trapped.  Most can't get out of the city.  Thousands still can't get out of their own homes!  This great American urban center is currently covered by dirty, putrid water.  Water contaminated by sewage, dead animals, and dead people.  There are people who have been sitting on their house roofs for days waiting to be rescued.  Looters are being driven by the twin motivations of necessity and greed.  The nights are dark and dangerous with armed thugs roaming the streets.

This is not the typical natural disaster.  This is someone's worst nightmare come to life.  This is America for the first time coming face to face with the worst realities of human existence.  And what a terrible city for it to happen to.  Such a festive place as New Orleans with its rich history and culture.  It is truly traumatic when I hear reports such as rock-and-roll legend Fats Domino is missing and may have drowned in the rising flood waters.  What a surreal episode in American history.

My heart really goes out to the people of New Orleans.  May the Creator show mercy to those that deserve mercy and past swift judgment on those who have taken this opportunity to prey on the innocent.

IG Discovers Corruption in WAPA

Since last May I have been trying to explain to people why I felt compelled to leave WAPA and a promising career there.  Some WAPA employees have even told me straight-up that my decision to leave was a mistake.  Well now even the Inspector General of the Virgin Islands understands why I felt the need to distance myself from WAPA and its management.  The Inspector General has finally completed his investigation of theft of WAPA's electric and water services and has documented his findings in a 61 page audit report available on the website of the Virgin Islands Inspector General.  It demonstrates that a considerable portion of the theft of WAPA's service was done with WAPA's knowledge, and in many cases, with the permission and assistance of WAPA employees.  It is this kind of stomach-churning, internal corruption that I have been personally privy to over the past several years.  But in order to toe the company line I was unable to openly speak out against it, just like many other current WAPA managers are unable to speak out against it right now.

I remember sitting in a conference room in St. Thomas a few years ago, just prior to the start of this investigation, and asking why doesn't WAPA make its tampering chargers stiffer.  I even suggested that repeat and chronic offenders be prevented from applying for future service in their name; that they be forced to have someone else vouch for the integrity of their account.  To this day I have not gotten a straight answer other than the fact that we can't stop people from acquiring electrical service.  When I asked why we don't pursue criminal penalties on repeat offenders I was told that the court system takes too long to process the cases.  I openly questioned why we were rewarding employees with a $100 to report cases of illegal tampering when it was their job to identify such incidents.  I wondered why instead we weren't firing those employees that failed to report cases of tampering.  For example, it has been commonly rumored for years among WAPA employees that Sunshine Mall has been stealing power.  Yet, despite the pervasiveness of this rumor, employees have been unwilling over the years to produce evidence to support their allegations, preferring it seems to leave their claims unsubstantiated in the realm of rumors and innuendo.  But these were the kind of ignorant questions that showed off my youthful inexperience.  That is why WAPA quickly chases away any employee that has not been properly "indoctrinated" into WAPA's corporate culture.

From the time I stepped foot into WAPA in 1995, I have heard that the Revenue Protection Department was a main culprit in the prevalent theft of WAPA's service.  It was described as putting the fox to guard the hen house.  But because of a healthy dose of unwarranted respect for some employees in that department and a healthy dose of unwarranted fear of other employees in that department, WAPA's management has refused to take any action against Revenue Protection.  The former department of Organizational Efficiency was on the verge of launching a task force to scrutinize the Revenue Protection Department when it was disbanded two years ago.  The Revenue Protection Manager who was known for running a tight ship over the Revenue department on St. Thomas, was given authority over Revenue Protection on St. Croix in order to whip it into shape.  He was promptly relieved of that authority shortly after the incident documented in the IG's report, where a WAPA manager was allegedly caught tampering illegally with a meter.  I have been hearing for years that several members of the Revenue Protection Department were under investigation for suspicion of illegal activities, nothing has ever come of this investigation --- regardless of what the IG may think.  That is why me and several other managers could not wipe the puzzled look off our faces for weeks after we were told that the current Executive Director was rehiring the retired former Manager of Revenue Protection on St. Croix.  This is the same individual that oversaw that department as it developed its infamous reputation for inefficiency, ineffectiveness, and shady dealings.

Trust me, the IG only scratched the surface.  The mismanagement runs deeper.  Wait until they discover those managers that routinely fudge numbers in their operational reports.  Or those "supervisors" that manufacture overtime for themselves and their subordinates.  Or the frequent violation of WAPA's own hiring policies by the highest levels of management.  That is why I had to laugh when WAPA's own internal auditor conducted a seminar on fraud and ethics at the last WAPA board retreat.  He and his department have personally witnessed all types of violations of ethics and incidents of fraud since he has been there.  But very few employees have ever been fired as a result.

What's worse is that only a handful of WAPA's managers are sufficiently competent to correct these administrative and managerial failings, and those managers are the ones that the Executive Director favors the least.  Managers are not promoted in WAPA based on their demonstrated administrative and managerial skills, they are promoted based on how long they have been able to tolerate the bullshit issues.  So while Bruno runs around throwing a celebration for every piece of equipment that he installs, the corporate culture of the company continues to decay.  Let's try giving him a $100 bonus every time he does his job!

See You In The West!

I had the opportunity to attend the Crucian Cultural Bazaar last night and I must say, St. Croix is really trying its best to put on a show for the cruise lines and their passengers.  Although there were not a lot of locals out like the previous week,  the vendors were out en mass.  The town was well lit and Christmas music filled the air.  There was a quelbe scratch band down on one end and a steel pan band on the other end.  Most of the stores had their stereos pumping out local Christmas favorites.  And about twenty girls from the Educational Complex festival troupe were entertaining the crowd in their festival costumes.  There were moko jumbies.  Real moko jumbies.  Not the cute little stilt dancers in colorful costumes that can't seem to wipe the smiles off their faces.  No these were the ones that hide their faces completely and scare the beejeebers out of little children.     Without a doubt, I give the Frederiksted Economic Development Association an A+ last night for the effort of organizing such an enjoyable event on short notice.  It was no Harbor Night, but I saw a lot of potential last night.  The only thing missing (and what is quickly becoming a holiday tragedy), there were no Christmas decorations in the town of Frederiksted.  Somebody needs to help Rotary West rectify that situation as soon as possible.

So let me go ahead and officially declare Frederiksted "the lime" for this holiday season.  Whether weekday or weekend, all roads lead to the West.  You can come to check out the Crucian Cultural Bazaar.  Or you can come to check out the new "Culture Lounge".  Or you can come to mix and mingle with the cruise passengers.  Or you can come to shoot pool in one of the "Santo" bars.  Or you can come to have a low cost dinner with the family at KFC, or an expensive dinner at Le St. Tropez.  Or later this month you can come to check out the Festival Village when it opens.  Or you can come to watch the sunset and some horse racing at Pier 69.   Or chill in Budhoe Park with your sweet thing.  It doesn't matter.  Frederiksted is the lime all season long.

And for those who are wondering, let me post the cruise ship schedule for the remainder of the month of December.  There will be a cruise in port and a Cultural Bazaar held from 7:00 PM to 11:00 PM on each of the following days this month:

Sunday, December 12th
Tuesday, December 14th
Wednesday, December 25th
Wednesday, December 22nd
Thursday, December 23rd
Sunday, December 26th
Tuesday, December 28th
Wednesday, December 29th

The next daytime cruise ship appearance will be by the MSC Opera on January 19th.

See you in Freedom City!

Seccession Is Not The Answer

There is an organized, on-going effort to have St. Croix secede from the Virgin Islands and become its own seperate territory with its own elected governor.  This effort started in March of 2003 and is led by St. Croix Avis publisher and editor Rena Brodhurst.  The organization is known as the Committee for St. Croix Self-Governance and has enjoyed some suprising success in its most recent petition drive.

I debated Rena Brodhurst one Saturday morning last year on-air during WSTX's "Weekend Review" segment.  At that time, she mentioned several sources of financial income that would allow St. Croix to be self-sufficient.  She mentioned the Hovensa oil refinery, the excise tax rebate on Cruzan Rum, Tim Duncan's personal income tax, and the revenue from St. Croix-based EDC companies.  She made it clear that with these sources of income, St. Croix did not need any help from St. Thomas' tourist-based economy.

Shortly after that discussion, Kapok Management, one of our largest EDC companies was raided by the IRS and now the rules of the EDC have been revamped by the U.S. Department of Treasury.  Since then, the city of San Antonio successfully petitioned the IRS to force Tim Duncan to pay his income taxes in San Antonio.  In the past, political instability has crippled PDVSA, the Venzuelan state-ran oil company that  owns 50% of HOVENSA (yes, that is where the VSA in HOVENSA comes from).

That leaves us with Cruzan Rum which the Committee for St. Croix Self-Governance neglects to remind us is not locally owned.  Cruzan Rum is owned by Todhunter International, a publicly traded company with its headquarters in West Palm Beach, Florida.  They also don't mention that a Trinidadian company, Angostura Limited owns nearly 68% of Todhunter International.  Cruzan Rum's existance depends on it continuting to be a lucrative venture for its parent companies and its shareholders.  And even simpler arguement against depending too heavily on Cruzan Rum is thought of what would happen if a fire broke out in the factory tonight.  St. Croix's future would go up in smoke.

So let's recap.  Cruzan Rum is controlled by the Trinidadians.  Hovensa is controlled by the Venezuelans.  Timmy's money is controlled by San Antonio.  And the EDC is controlled by the Treasury Department in Washington, D.C.  There in lies my concern.  St. Croix's economy is very fragile and is one disaster away from falling on its face.  Furthermore, its biggest "cash cows" are outside of the direct control of the Crucian people.

Trying to solve our problems by breaking away from St. Thomas only puts us in an even more precarious situation.  Contrary to popular opinion, St. Thomas does generate the majority of revenues for the government, about 75% of it as things now stand.  We benefit from the diversity of our economies.  When tourism is slow on St. Thomas, St. Croix picks up the slack.  Right now, with the economy struggling on St. Croix, St. Thomas is picking up the slack.  It is good that our economies are not mirror images of each other.  It would be foolish for us to try to solve our political problems by parting ways.  I support a move towards establishing municipal government (local government) but not secession.  There is always strength in unity.

On another note, there was a petition circulated that could have gone a long way to solving St. Croix's problem of unequal treatment.  One that would have really sent a message to the executive branch.  Unfortunately, it did not receive nearly enough signatures.  That was the petition to recall Governor Charles Wesley Turnbull.

Message To My Community

Two days ago a friend of mines, Terrence "Positive" Nelson, was elected to the Legislature of the Virgin Islands. It's amazing how things have changed. I remember when we just met how we used to discuss how corrupt politics was. We would discuss how dangerous and self-serving politicians were. We were certain that we wanted nothing to do with politics in the Virgin Islands. But now we have both matured.

The fact is, every community needs some form of government to look out for the best interest of its residents. Here in St. Croix our government is failing us as residents. Our cost of living is high. Our roads are in embarassing condition. Our children have no textbooks in school. Our children consistently perform more poorly than other students throughout the U.S. Raw sewage regularly overflows into our streets and our beaches. Our young men have no respect for life or property. Our cars are stolen and our houses broken into routinely. Our multi-million dollar pier has no cruise ship traffic. Major shopping centers like Golden Rock, Villa La Reine, and Sunshine Mall sit mostly vacant because of the depressed economy. Our young girls are being gang-raped and sexually molested. If you know the right people, you can leave your house and return home with an unregistered gun within an hour. A lost tourist who stops to ask for directions in William's Delight tonight has as good a chance of being carjacked and mugged as they do of finding where they are going. If you make the right stop in Estate Profit you can get your choice of crack, heroine, or cocaine. This is our reality.

Faced with these issues, you have to ask yourself, why do you live here? Why should your children be raised in this environment? Most of us are here by choice, not by necessity. This is our home. If that is your case, then I encourage you to get involved. Our apathy towards politics is mostly to blame for our downward spiral. To use our dislike of politics as an excuse to stay uninvolved and disinterested in the affairs of our government is a diservice to the entire St. Croix community. Let us mature as residents and realize that we all have a role in ensuring that our government works efficiently and effectively in our best interests.

My congratulations to Positive for stepping up to be a Problem-Solver and Solution-Finder instead of simply a Complainer.

First Rodney, Now Superman!

Christopher Reeves, "The Man of Steel", died on Sunday of cardiac failure. Yet another 80's icon gone. There are talks about remaking a Superman movie, but the Christopher Reeves Superman will always be the best. At the time the special effects were amazing. Seeing Superman III, with Richard Pryor, in the theater was an awesome experience. (By the way, Superman III was the best of the four movies.) Now the special effects look cheesy and fake. But not back in 1983. Not when Christopher Reeves was at the peak of his career. No one then could have imagined that "Superman" would fall off that horse and spend the rest of his life as a parapalegic. No one could imagine that Superman's most epic quest would be for a cure to his own paralysis. That Superman's greatest struggle would be for the ability to walk again. There are a lot of people like me that hoped one day that he would get up and walk again. But this is the real world not Hollywood, and all stories do not have a happy ending. This one didn't.

Rodney's Gone

The passing of comedian Rodney Dangerfield was an unexpectedly sad event for me. Being a child of the 80's, Rodney Dangerfield's "I get no respect" jokes were part of my generation's pop culture. Along with the old Michael Jackson, Madonna before she became Esther, the A-Team, and Transformers among others. Caddyshack and Back to School were hilarious (at least at the time). The Triple Lindy dive he did at the end of Back to School was awesome. Even though I never knew him personally it is still sad to know he's gone. It also means that I'm getting old. One day I'm going to mention to my children how funny Rodney Dangerfield was, and they'll ask me, "Rodney who?"

A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

She told me she wanted sex in the back seat of the car. I drove her and that guy around all night.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

My old man, he was very strict. He allowed no drinking in the house. I had two brothers who died of thirst.

During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

Politics Time Again

Well this is the stretch run. The Election Season is in full swing. It is like one big celebration. Between now and Tuesday, November 2nd you can expect to see all kinds of free parties every weekend.

Former Senator Alicia Hansen, who for some reason is known as Chucky, is off to win the prize for largest free party. She is bringing bands from all over the world. Okay. She is bringing bands from Dominica and Puerto Rico. But her ads make it sound like it is from all over the world. I wonder how we will be able to hear her explain her positions on the issues over all that loud music?

But this year, newcomer Warren Mosler may take the free party prize by holding concerts on all three islands. It seems like he is inviting every calypsonian in the Caribbean to perform at his campaign kickoffs. Nobody ever said money was an obstacle with him.

This is the time of the year to enjoy free parties and collect free t-shirts. But don't party too hard or get too drunk to pay attention to the real issues of this campaign.

Nuff said.